Robbery at BC NDP Headquarters
(Author's Note: Thanks for the amazing response to this! Reminder that this is satire, not news. If you don't get the joke, read this.)
With the fate of the provincial government still uncertain after the 2017 election, tragedy has struck one of BC's political parties.
During the late hours of June 21, 2017, Burnaby RCMP received a call alerting them to a suspected break and enter at the 4100 block of Lougheed highway. Upon arrival, police discovered that someone had forcibly entered and burglarized the BC NDP head office.
BC NDP Leader John Horgan, who delivered a press conference the following morning, had this to say:
"Last night, unknown individuals broke into the BC NDP head office and stole most of our election platform."
Obviously distraught, Horgan explained that nothing else of value was taken, but that the theft had left him feeling gutted:
"That someone could so callously steal this platform that so many of our best people worked so hard on, well, it really undermines your faith in things, you know? Who could have done this?" asked Horgan, shaking his head solemnly.
RCMP Constable Dean Jindal took the mic and encouraged any witnesses to come forward: "We hope that anyone with any information about this crime will contact Burnaby RCMP immediately. We'd also encourage the thieves to do the right thing and turn themselves in, so that the victims in this case can begin healing."
Pressed for comment about the incident in a scrum at the Provincial Legislature in Victoria, Premier Christy Clark was unequivocal:
"Stealing is wrong. It's WRONG," said a visibly-perspiring Premier, looking around the room nervously.
Premier Clark continued: "Besides, who would want their dumb, stinky platform anyway? It stinks!"
Asked by one reporter why her blazer was rustling loudly, the Premier claimed she needed to get ready for the throne speech and retreated down the hall. Witnesses at the scene alleged that she seemed to be pressing several wads of orange-letterheaded paper into her mouth.